Lessons Learned This Week

["The Freq"]

This week for me has been an eye opener of sorts. By total accident I learned some valuable lessons this week that I probably knew all along but took for granted. Some of them, I'm still trying to put my head around and others became clear as rain at that moment. A few things I learned were that "trust" really isn't real, at least to me that is. It's a word people either abuse or toss around like old socks. People seem to use the word "trust" in an argument to sway things to their side but they really don't know what the word means in most cases. On a personal level I learned that a friendship I had in years past wasn't as strong as I thought it was. Where as I put it higher on my list of important things, it wasn't as high on the other person's list. I also learned that I should have followed my original goal in life and not depended on people for alternate goals that came up along the way. One of the biggest things I learned was how little some people value "communication". Another lesson learned was how much people lie and how much people will believe bullshit over fact. I also realized how many years I wasted on certain people and projects. There are others things I learned too but lets start with this.



Let's start here. Back in around 1982, I came up with my game plan for what I wanted in life or at least a good path to follow. I was just laid off for our local steel mill and decided that I wanted to study music. Drums to be exact. I had been a drummer since late 1977 but was really limited as a player. I decided in 1982 that I wanted to go to school in the U.S at either Music Institute in California or Berklee College of Music to become a "studio" musician. A gun for hire so to speak. I ordered all their info to research and what was expected of me to get into the schools. I wasn't sure which one I wanted to attend at the time. I realized upon getting the info that I was no where near the caliber of musician to go to these schools. So I bought tons of drum books and with the aid of a local friend and teacher I went on a daily diet of 8 hours a day of reading and practicing. Being laid off from the steel plant afforded me the time I needed to learn. I was doing this for 2 years easy along with playing in some side bands for extra money along with giving lessons to beginner drummers. I actually saved enough money from doing that to attain a down payment on a house with my wife. Everything was coming together. In that time however I discovered through one band I was part of, that I loved writing original music. That's basically

all this band did. We never made a cent and people hated us, but the experience of creating original music never left me. That was one of the few positives in a long music journey.



Fast forward to late 1985. At this point, I had studied at home loyally for hours a day and was ready to pick my school of choice to take this new musical education journey. My paperwork was sent, my audition tapes, everything. I felt I was ready for the next step. Berklee was the school I chose. Then I did a stupid dumb thing. I saw that the music scene in Canada and the U.S. in general get huge. Touring bar bands were the craze. They were playing 7 nights a week in some cases. Bars were packed and it was great to say the least. I got asked to be a part of a "good" band and enjoy some of this new music popularity. MISTAKE! At that moment I should have said no, but I didn't. That was the train wreck of my life that never left me. I got a taste of the life of live playing and full bars and dumped my school goals. I f**ked up!!! Although I still practiced loyally through those times, the damage was done.



With going to school now on the backburner I thought my next goal would be to make it

famous with a band. This stupid idea stuck with me for decades. My drive to take it to the next level never faultered and I thought the musicians I was with were on the same page. I thought they were friends taking the same journey but as you go on in life, you realize not many, if any, have the same goals as you. Through the years from 1986 on I put together bands to either tour or write and record original music or I'd join bands other people's bands that were doing similar things, all the time trying to practice and get better but achieve some sort of positive outcome. The truth is, it never came. I became so focused on trying to get "a band" to make it as a unit that I blinded side myself from what I should have done along and that was to just go at it alone and follow the original goal I set in 1982. The problem in all the bands was simply that no one really wanted it as much as I did. I was too stupid to realize I wasted years on this false path.



In that time, I developed what I thought were great friendships and even best friendships.

One of those I learned just recently wasn't the friendship I thought it was and the person wasn't on the pedestal I put them on. In my own blind flurry to achieve something I failed to see that these people really weren't who they appeared to be. This is not their fault totally and it's not my fault totally either. Both parties are to blame. I built this person up to be someone they weren't and the lack of communication on both parts made something that really wasn't there. After talking this week with this person and realizing that I had put them on the spot in our early years, a spot they never wanted to be in, I will be honest in saying, it hurt to hear the truth. I understand their side now but realized a bunch of mistakes I did which at this point in time are not fixable. I also came to an even bigger realization and that was that I had wasted 10 years of my life on this person and the bands we were in. That is what happens when you focus too much. It's called "tunnel vision" or "Stupidity". ;-) I was blind and didn't see that this person really wasn't on the same path. The blame is on me. Then, I started thinking of other projects I was in during that period with other people and realized a lot of the same things. The problem was that I was giving it my all and dedicating all my time to these "bands" but the other members of these bands never had that same goal. I thought they did, but it was never communicated, only assumed. I made the mistake of "assuming". So, as much as I learned a lesson about myself and how aggressive I was to achieve the next level, I also learned that it wasn't a quality that others liked in me. In short, it was overbearing for them. At the time I didn't know it, but I do now. It's kind of strange learning a simple lesson in your 50's. A little late but still important.



Now with all that said, something else came into focus even more and that is the importance of communication. I personally know how important it is because i am constantly using media to convey my thoughts. I also talk people's ears off in person but sadly, not everyone

values communication. The downside of that is that many issues could be dealt with in a heartbeat if people chose to communicate their issues right away. Unfortunately, you can't force people to talk. In my case, had some people communicated to me in years past about issues they had, hard bitter feelings could have been avoided. On the flip side, had I not been so blind, I could have saw the signs of a problem. In any case, the damage was done and it took decades for it to come to a head. In the music world of bands, communication is one of the strangest elements. In almost every band, communication or the lack of, has always been an issue with at least one member. It's like pulling teeth sometimes. Sometimes, you never get the answers you seek. As I reflected back this week, lack of communication ended a lot of my bands.



"Trust". Yeah... right. This word has been so abused in life and quite honestly, I don't think it really exists in a 100 percent true form. Sadly, with all my years in the music industry I have learned to trust no one. After being in nearly 50 bands in over 35 years of playing, "trust" doesn't exist. Not in my eyes anyways. Believe me, I was a sap and trusted people for years and looking back, it always cost me. Like I said, this week has been an eye opener. What I thought was a really good friendship really wasn't. People I gave trust in as friends, really weren't. Back in the day, I trusted people because I thought we all had the same goals in music. Some were actually flat out lying but I didn't see it. Like a chump, I'd believe them and think we were going places. It took years to smarten up. This weeks lessons filled in a lot of gaps in for me in both good ways but also sad ways. I'm not bitter about what I learned this week. It's just nice to have closure. For me, I was living in a little dreamworld thinking this person was one thing but really they weren't. That is totally my fault so it's like getting hit in the head with a board. It takes time for the pain to go away.



So as I reflect upon decades of friendships in music this week, all I can see is how much time I wasted on certain fallacies. Yeah sure, some good comes out of everything ( that's my belief) but man oh man, the time I wasted and the goal I threw away from 1982, just makes me want to scream. I really don't think people knew how much I wanted to make it in music

or they just didn't understand my aggression to reach that next level. Now, it's kind of laughable because I didn't really achieve anything close to what I had planned. Everyone else

has pretty much reached their goals, but their goals are in other fields, not music. Music was all I wanted. It's an empty feeling to see people you played in bands with, make careers happen although none in music, yet for me, it's still my focus. Not sure "sacrifice" is the right word to describe my plight. "Stupidity" might be the word. haha



The last thing I learned this week is how much people believe bullshit without hearing things from all parties. This seems to be a common theme in life these days but it just makes me roll my eyes back in my head and want to throw up. Do some research on people and what they say, get the facts before you assume anything. I've been misinterpreted so many times that all it takes is "communication" with me to clear up anything you have a question about or issues with. In other words "talk".



Shall I recap? haha Nah.. not really. I'm just feeling a bit numb. So what is the good that came out of all of this? Well, near as I can figure, I won't depend on people. That's a no brainer. That led me astray far too many times in music and it left me sitting in the same stupid spot for years. Now, I'm doing things on my own.



"Trust"... my opinion of that won't change. It's a false word to me.



"Friendships". Hmmmmm. Touchy subject. What i thought were........ really weren't. That's as simple as I can put it. Best friendships for me seem to be my elementary school friends. They're still with me through all of my rises and falls in life. Why is that? I'm the same asshole I've always been but where newer friendships crumble and fade, those old ones remain. I don't even have to worry about what they're thinking because they're always there, always understanding.



Friendships in music. "Stressful". Unpredictable. Painful. Creative sometimes. Honest and truthful??? From what I've experienced... No. In recent years there are a few that I connect with that I can say are honest but with the track record I've had with musicians, the majority are not. That's just my experience. Lack of communication is a huge fault I have

with most.



Now you know why I try to do everything myself. I just won't depend on others anymore when it comes to music. That's just the lessons I've learned. As for that Berklee dream, oh

I still have it. The spark never goes away. I still practice everyday but not 8 hours. I still have the drive and the focus. Now I just need more time and money if I ever want to go to Berklee. ;-)



The big picture this week? Time to move on. The past continues to be a mess so on to the future and hope something positive comes from all the drab parts of the past. I'm still sad that a friendship I had wasn't what I thought it was. I'm glad communication finally addressed that. It's sad that it took 20 years to come out Now I have to adjust what I thought were good times back then. There were good times but now, they're just not as good. Make any sense? I blame myself for all the wrong choices I made (there were lots) , but I blame some others for not communicating their true intentions and issues which wasted everyone's time. Tomorrow's another day. ;-)

[floyds machine]

I've noticed that with a lot of musicians in this shit hole city. They take it all and don't give back. If I read into your post correctly, some shithead used you and wasted your time and instead of talking and clearing the air, they blamed you. Ok so you say you're both to blame but it's not hard to tell that this person or persons weren't worth spit anyways. Everyone has a fight now and then but it doesn't sound like the people you're talking about wanted to fix things. You stepped up to the plate, did your best now I suggest you stick to your own goals. When they don't see any good in you after many years in bands, then they're not worth ironing shit out with. They must be real whimps if your wife can put up with you and they couldn't |O|

You rule Freq. Do what you always do. At least you're not a phoney like so many around here.

["The Freq"]

My post is about a bunch of events and people that triggered me to write that this week. Not just one person. However, I did have one connection with what I thought was a best friend from years ago come out of the blue on a Facebook page this week. I always knew they were upset with me for probably close to 20 years. We were what I thought best friends at that time and before that but he brought it to my attention that we really weren't. He was mad at me for something I did decades ago but sadly, I didn't remember the events. So, I thought nothing of it and he didn't bring it to my attention until the other day. I asked why he didn't let me know at the time so I could fix things and he basically in a round about way said it wasn't worth it and neither was the friendship. The part that really hurt was that I tried for years to connect with this person to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it but they just kept blowing me off. I understand now that they never wanted it fixed. It was an eye opener. I had great times with this person for many years and in many bands and thought the world of him. I had him on a pedestal as a musician and friend. Turns out I was wrong. Really wrong. It was a shock to find out he really didn't care.

So looking at the past and what I thought were great things we did and fun things, now look completely different and not what they appeared to be. Kind of a false memory if you know what I mean. That hurt and I'm still dazed by that. All this from me apparently getting mad at him at some point and him not wanting to deal with it. I'm sure there's more to it but the bottom line is, he didn't want to carry on as friends because of it. I just never knew that and it took 20 years for him to tell me. Obviously I'm to blame and I didn't bother talking any further but if I got mad at him there had to be a reason. I don't just get mad for no reason. He never mentioned it and I don't remember the events. I don't just wake up mad at people. So, I wasn't worth the forgiveness and I thought afterwards, I wasn't worth the full explanation since they remembered the event and I didn't. Why did I get mad? Did he do something to trigger it? I just don't remember. He wasn't perfect either but in any case, it wasn't important enough to him to bring it to my attention or fix. That part is clear. Big picture, I don't have to try to fix our friendship because, it wasn't there. It's up to me now to adjust to that. It's a weight lifted really because I always wondered why I had become poison this person. There were other issues including my rants on my forum but that's all redundant now. It boils down to that he doesn't like me or my opinions. The awakening for me is that I wasted 10 or more years music wise on this person and people like him and even longer trying to fix a friendship that really wasn't there. Let's just say I felt pretty stupid at that point. It does clear up a lot of pieces to a puzzle I could never finish. That's life. You learn lessons but sometimes it takes years. I learned a bunch of lessons this week.

In the case of this one person, I will always consider him a friend but with all that was said recently to me, I don't know where to place that in my memory anymore. Confusing to say the least. Some of my favourite bands were with him and now even that changes now.

Ironically, this all started when a friend and fan asked on Facebook for a reunion of one of those bands and I explained that it wouldn't happen because the singer moved out of town, the bass player retired and the guitarist didn't like me so not possible. That simple line triggered my old friend to come out of the woodwork and explode. Turns out.. it was true anyways. I still don't understand why he was offended by it. It's true. Everyone knew it including me. It's not a secret. I just never knew why. Now I know. So in a simple few messages I'm told something that could have been said 20 years ago and all the fake hello's and random fake conversations in those years could have been avoided. Oh well. Everyone has their own way of doing things. Me.. I'm more blunt, quick and to the point and get things out of the way, right away. Some drag things out for twenty years and string things and people along. I guess my way is far worse and it cost me for years.

The bummer for me is that I miss this guy and always have. He's a great musician and we made some great music. All that is so different now. It's weird. Kinda like going through a time warp back in time for a visit and then on the trip back your settings are slightly screwed up and you end up in a slightly different time frame, and the future becomes slightly different from what you remember and you have to adjust to it. Yeah I know..that's pushing it a little but you get the drift of it. I'm ok with it. So many questions have been answered.

It's a new day, new music to create and new friends to make. ;-)

[floyds machine]

Well that guy sounds like a shithead. Like grow some balls and clear up issues if you're any kind of man. That is being a total prick. Freq, you're more tolerant than I would be. This guy doesn't sound like a trustworthy person in the least. Of course there was a cause to you getting pissed back then and he took the baby way out when it should have been dealt with then. The baby holds a grudge for 20 years? f**k that. To me it all sounds like a giant head game played by a kid. Who does that kind of bullshit? I'm glad to see you've moved on from this piece of work. If this is one of the winners that inspired a portion of that post I can just imagine the other gob bags who ruined your day in that rant. God, the assholes this city breeds.

[Sgt. Bilko]

Boy oh boy. What a loser. Better off without that kind of person in your life.

["The Freq"]

Best thing is that I have good friends in my life and will always have them. 2 of my best friends have been with me since the start of elementary school. One is a musician. The 3 of us have never gone through this kind of pain. Friends in my present bands are great also. The actually "talk" and nothing is left for granted. Just a different breed. ;-) Anyways.. thanks for reading.

["The Freq"]

UPDATE: First I want to thank those people who emailed me through the forum email about this topic. Thanks for the support and your input and responses. Though I don't allow non members to post on the forum, the email is there for those on the outside of this forum.

I was asked a few questions about this topic that I started and will give my answers to them. I will post the questions addressed to me, then answer it.



Question: Would I ever play in a band with this person again knowing what I know now?

The answer is "NO". Now that I understand my time was wasted on this person in the past, I feel no urge to waste more time with this person no matter how talented they are. It comes down to "truth and honesty". For decades this person didn't lift a finger to come out and address the issues between us. They let me play the dumb one and basically enjoyed stringing me along. So, that doesn't leave a comfortable feeling with me and not something I wish to revisit again. For years I actually wanted some reunions of a few of these old bands and even put out feelers to the others in the projects to see if it might be possible but knowing how things are now, those dreams are gone. It's too bad really, because the music scene locally would enjoy seeing a few reunions.


Question: Do you forgive those who have done you wrong?

The answer is "Almost Never". Once someone has f**ked me over, you're pretty much on your own. If people can't give you a few minutes of their time to explain things or square things, then I have no time to forgive. If you actually make an effort to fix things then I might listen. The world is full of people that I haven't met yet, and I'm always looking forward to meeting a new person and starting a new chapter. In talking about the one in this topic, there's no forgiveness to consider. When one person doesn't feel fixing things is worth the effort, you pretty much have to move on, which I have. Talking about it on the forum just finishes things off and creates a new starting point.

Question: Do you believe in second chances?

I'll be honest... for decades I've only ever given one person and one band a second chance and both times were a complete waste of my time. One, was the lead singer of Flat Stanley. He wouldn't have gotten that second chance if it weren't for the other guys in the band so I listened to them. It was a mistake and an even bigger waste of time the second time through. Yes, years wasted hoping this person would return to form but instead he went the other way. Videos and recordings don't lie. Vocally, his voice was shot and I don't have any recordings where he sounds good during that period. The guys realized they made a mistake by getting him back in the band which I knew was the wrong move from the start. They knew it almost immediately upon his return. Yes, more years wasted. Of course I get blamed for it when it's time to cut the cord with him. Yeah, I get blamed because these people don't learn the songs, get hooked on drugs, drink their faces off. Yeah that's my fault. NOT!! The problem with some local musicians is that they don't take responsibility for their own shitty work ethics. I get blamed for being a ruthless band leader and for shitting on these people when in fact they are on their own person self destruction path that I have nothing to do with. I simply want them to get out of it and be a better musician, not a drug induced blob.

The other second chance was the band Wisbhone. The band was totally disfunctional because of booze and drugs. I was the only straight guy in the band so I had to listen to f**ked up people telling me how to play. All I can say is "what a joke". After 2 albums recorded I quit. Then after numerous drummers went through the band, the band asked me back basically saying they had cleaned up their act. SOOOOO like a dumb ass, I believed them and went back. It wasn't long before the plane crash started again. Finally I said that I wanted people in the band with no booze or drug issues. The members were replaced and the band sounded the best it ever sounded and best yet, people noticed it. But, the singer wanted the other guitarist back. That was it for me. I packed up and left. Waste of time.


Question: Did I ever figure out what caused the riff between you and that friend you mention in the topic?

Nope.. I have no clue. I know I'd get mad at certain times with some people but don't remember all specifics. A few I remember. As for the one in question, I have no memory of it. Again, if I got mad about something or at him, there was a reason. He didn't tell me the reason but he obviously remembers. In a case like that, what can I do? I apologized, but it didn't fix a damn thing.


Question: How do I put up with this shit?


Haha Good question. Actually, it's pretty easy. I write music, practice music every day, cycle and have my wife of 30 plus years beside me. That gets me through the bad times. I figure if my wife can put up with me and these few musicians can't, then they were never meant to be part of my life. It also shows that my wife is one hell of a strong woman. ;-) I will say that creative writing is always good therapy. ;-)


Question: Why the online rants about these people?

Simple. The rants are my way of voicing my opinions. It's obvious that some people will hide for decades with issues with me and let it poison their systems but I prefer to get things off my chest immediately. There's no good reason to hold issues inside that will eventually make you sick. The internet has allowed me my voice. Those who read my rants come on their own or others direct them here. I don't advertise it, so you can't blame me for you being here and reading my rants. Blame yourself or the people that sent you here.

Over the years I've found that people actually pay attention to my writings on this forum and my other blogs when in person, they wouldn't give me the time of day. For example, this friend that has issues with me. I've approached him in person numerous times to get together and talk or jam music and he always, and I mean ALWAYS blew me off. Well, I write on the internet and all of a sudden, now he's interested in what I'm talking about. He may not like what I say but he's reading it, where as in person, he'd never give me 2 minutes of his time without wanting to throw up. I also do not allow people to respond on my forum or blogs for the simple fact I want people to just read and "get the point". I want them to "Think" and most of all I want people to understand what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from. I don't care to hear their responses in most cases because that is not the purpose of me writing. This is not a debate. This is me typing my thoughts.


Conslusion:

I've done lots of thinking over the past few weeks about my Lessons Learned. Ironically, I've learned another interesting thing about some people. It's what I like to call the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. Some people are nice to your face but as soon as you're not around they rip you apart. Some people when sober are nice to you but when drunk, cut you to shreds. Some people people are fake friends to you in person but online cut you to shreds. Some people are timid in person but when they get behind a fake name on the internet, get balls of steel and treat you like shit. Tell me, do any of you fit that glove?

The difference between you that fit that description and me is that I'm the same opinionated person online and in person. Being one person is hard enough so being a Jekll and Hyde is too much work for me. I'm blunt, to the point and verbal. I hide nothing. You can talk to me in person or you can read my online rants and there is no difference. Those who know me see that to be true. So what I have seen and have come to understand is that people condemn me for being honest and saying exactly what's on my mind but those Jekyll and Hydes out there with personalities that hide in the shadows are "good ole Joe's" in some peoples eyes. In short, they take a liar over someone who speaks the truth. ;-) This brings up another lesson learned. The moral standards have reached a new low. Some think Alcoholics and drug addicts are victims and should be pampered but straight honest people with opinions are the enemy. This is what people think these days. Now that is purely whacked. I am proud to say that I have never tried drugs, never tried a cigarette and booze will never be in my life. I do however have an opinion and I will always have an opinion. ;-)


One Last Question: Do I admit my mistakes?

Of course I admit my mistakes. There's no surprise that I will analyze the hell out of anything and everything before I admit to a mistake because I'm a perfectionist. I have to understand the mistake before admitting it. |O| Yes folks, I've made some wonderful mistakes in my life if that brings satisfaction to any of my haters out there. ;-) I'm human and I'm not that smart so mistakes happen quite often in my life. I pay for those mistakes and accept the punishment for them. A lot of my mistakes were early on when I use to "trust" people. Once I eliminated trust from my life, mistakes become less frequent. Have some of my mistakes hurt people? Of course they have and in most cases I have paid the price or apologized for it. There are some that were hurt because they were the cause so in those cases, they have to live with the pain. ;-)

NO, I don't consider my opinions a mistake. If I was two faced and lied all the time, that would be a mistake. Being brutally honest and straight forward is not a mistake. It's called "Glen The Freq's freedom of speech". :-)

Now ask yourself? What are your mistakes? Do you string people along with bullshit? Do you lie constantly? Do you think honesty and friendship is a game? Do you drink too much? Do drugs? Do you choose all of the above over you children? Do you cover up or support people with these hang ups when they hurt others? Are you a shit disturber who doesn't care what damage you cause? Need I go on?
Where do your morals lie and what are the mistakes you've done?


Most will lie to themselves let alone other people including their own children and never admit their faults. You know who you are.

And I'm the bad guy? Yeah right..


Freq